Launching Sons in a Broken World

The Graduate by Norman Rockwell

It’s nerve-wracking to watch a son reach adulthood these days. (The same is true for girls, but I'll save that for a later post.) The Associated Press recently reported that 53 percent of America’s recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed. Many of these young people carry huge debts, too. This is a tragic way to begin life! We want so much more for our sons, but the world is broken. Our sons may be broken, too. (Did you ever meet an adult with no issues at all?!) A million problems can potentially thwart their success and fulfillment.

Today, we focus on the economy and college expenses and joblessness. We can’t believe circumstances could be so misaligned for our young men. But in reality, it has always been scary to launch boys. Imagine launching a boy during World War II! Here are two pictures I took at the Museum of Natural History in New York.

As the mother of a boy who loves birds, I still cry whenever I look at these.

Sometimes, I also cry for worry over my sons’ futures. God found me in this faithless posture recently, and began whispering to me, in that still, small voice, about a story we’ve all heard in Sunday school.

When Jesus was 12, he gave his parents the slip. For three days. In a busy, dangerous city.

Luke 2:43 informs us that when the annual party was over and everyone was trekking home, Jesus simply “stayed behind in Jerusalem.” I get the impression he’d been planning this. I think he did it with the same blossoming independence that prompted my son to quietly take the passenger’s seat for the first time, on his 12^th birthday. No asking, no announcement – just a self-determined step away, the instant his age qualified him.

Isn’t that a boy’s right?

Of course, his parents were frantic. When they found him in the temple, stunning the priests with his insightful questions and brilliant theology, Mary exploded.

“SON, WHY HAVE YOU TREATED US SO?!?! BEHOLD (insert modern equivalent), YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU IN GREAT DISTRESS!!!”

I imagine her shrill voice echoing through the quiet, snobby temple, kind of like my voice once, in CVS.

Jesus’ response is multilayered. “Why were you looking for me?” he asks, innocently but profoundly. “Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Duh, Mom!

Jesus was choosing the form of his manhood: dependence on God. His answer to Mary was not defiant; he was genuinely surprised that she and Joseph hadn’t figured out what was so blatantly obvious to him: As a soon-to-be man, he belonged with God. He was raring to go with his career. (Don’t you love 12 year old boys!)

His message to Mary spoke to me. We moms worry. We know we’re responsible for our children, and we wonder if we’ve done enough and done it right. We long to see them flourish, and it’s almost impossible to pry our anxious, meddling hands off their lives as they reach adulthood. But let go we must.

Jesus was telling Mary, “Mom, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I have a relationship with God. I’m stepping into his plan, and Mom, this is between God and me. Relax – God and I have got this.”

So it is with our sons. By definition, reaching adulthood is between them and God; it’s a transfer from dependence on parents to direct dependence on him. Where our involvement fades away, God takes over. And we can trust him.

We can also trust our sons. It’s insulting if we don’t. Our doubts imply that God can’t handle our sons, and our sons can’t handle life.

Very real threats have always awaited our children, and it is heartbreaking. Mary endured the fulfillment of Simeon’s words from Jesus’ infancy: “A sword will pierce through your own soul also.” (Luke 2:35) Watching her son crucified was surely the severest piercing imaginable.

Yet Jesus’ life gives every mom great hope. His worst suffering was achieving his greatest victory! Just a few days after his crucifixion, Mary’s perspective was transformed to joyful awe. When Jesus’ circumstances looked hopeless to her, God was working out his plan.

It’s no different with our sons. God created them and placed them into this era of history for a purpose. He knows what he’s doing. He is greater than the brokenness in and around them. He can use every trial to deepen their faith. If they wander away from him, he will faithfully pursue them. Every disappointment, defeat, obstacle, and hostility can bring them to maturity, until they know they have nothing to fear, and they step into God’s victory.

Relax, Mom. God and your son have got this.

Our Children’s Important Thoughts

Our children’s opinions matter. It’s important to listen to kids, reflect back what they say, and provide feedback, affirmation, and guidance as needed. While giving a child constant, undivided attention fosters self-centeredness, children do need to know that they have a voice, and learn to listen to other people’s voices. A healthy balance teaches humility and self-respect.

Young children can be very frank; they haven’t learned to withhold certain observations, so their opinions can be very instructive. When my children were small, they provided some illuminating insights:

“Mom, your teeth are yellow.”

“Your breath smells. Phew! Please, sit somewhere else.”

“Wow, Mom! You look so much better in that coat!”

Fortunately, they’ve toned down some of their candidness with the passing years! But they can still speak their mind, and I’m thankful for that. The comments of an honest person carry a lot more weight than those of a flatterer. I was happy about my daughter’s comment to a friend the other day:

“My mom could stand to be a little less driven, but I think she’s doing a pretty good job.”

(Yes! She said that!) Of course, we don’t want to parent to please our kids. Sometimes I’ve been equally encouraged by being called a “mean mom” when I’ve insisted on chores and earning screen time. But it’s nice to get a little positive feedback sometimes, especially when you know it’s genuine. I knew she meant it.

And what she thinks matters.

Surprise in the Silence

Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. – Romans 8:33

I can easily default to a warped view of God. I don’t have a balancing voice in my home, and as my “mom performance” dissipates into thin, silent air, I assume God disapproves. Perhaps this is true of many women, single or married.

We derive our assumptions from experience and personal interpretation. Some women endure a constant stream of negative assessment. Others hear an inner voice that harangues and oppresses. Tragically, these confusing messages can compel us to hide from God when we need him most. But if we look up, a surprise awaits us.

The best marriages are a reflection of Christ and his church, so we can assume that God views us the same way a good husband views his wife. Have you ever noticed that, in a loving husband’s eyes, his wife can do no wrong? Here’s a quote by Walter Trobish:

“Let me try to tell you what it… should mean if a fellow says to a girl, ‘I love you’. It means…. You are the one for whom I have longed... I will give everything for you… myself as well as all that I possess. I will live for you alone. And I will wait for you - it doesn’t matter how long. I will always be patient with you. I will never force you, not even with words. I want to guard you, protect you, and keep you from all evil…” (I Loved a Girl)

Can there be any doubt that God is on our side, pleased with our smallest efforts, and covering, rather than focusing on, our mistakes? If someone accuses a good man’s wife, that man becomes defensive. Far from accusing us, God is offended by accusations against us. Our sins are covered, and we are highly valued by him.

God respects me and takes me seriously. And a funny thing happens when I rest in Christ: I remember how, as a child, I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could do the things I’m doing now. I enjoy my grown-up responsibilities! Light-hearted service replaces the discouraging drudgery.

How’s your view of God today?