Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and
you shall glorify me. – Psalm 50:15
Divorce is a crisis, no doubt about it. Other crises that
might confront our children include the death of a parent, a diagnosis of a serious
disease, natural disasters, and more. Even the death of a pet can rock a
child’s world, threatening his basic need for security.
Troubles come, but a mom who depends on God is well equipped
to lead her children through life’s storms. Here are four essentials to helping
your children through a crisis.
Keep the Faith
Children need the stability of a parent who looks to God.
That doesn’t mean you must have all the answers or remain perfectly serene. On
the contrary; a strong faith asks the hard questions, wrestling with God
through the dark night. It is OK to twist in the wind for a while. Be real with
your children, acknowledging that you don’t understand why things have happened
this way, and looking to God to bring you through. Real life and real faith are
messy. It’s OK for your children to see that. Continue in prayer, read God’s
Word, don’t give up church attendance. These simple actions demonstrate that
you believe God can be trusted, no matter what’s going on.
Keep the Home Fires Burning
As much as possible, keep the same routine for your
children. Be sensitive to their need to process, but not to the point of
throwing order to the wind. Children thrive on routine, and during crises it’s
important to require the usual chores, apply the usual discipline, and enjoy
the usual family fun as much as you can. Even if all the externals have been
swept away, expecting the usual respect and adherence to family rules reassures
children that the world is going on and things will return to normal – even if
it’s a new normal.
Keep Open Books
The big temptation is to tell our children that everything’s
going to be fine. We can even appeal to "faith" in our reasoning, which compounds the
problem. The truth is, everything may not be fine, at least in terms of what
our children want. Faith does not guarantee the outcome we want; it gives us
hope in our present reality.
Always be honest with children. They need to be able to
trust you. Of course, you will want to be careful not to share more information
than your children can handle, sparing them the gory details. Knowing how much
to say can be difficult, but I’ve experienced God’s faithfulness repeatedly in
this area. Pray, trust God, and then answer your child’s difficult questions
honestly and gently.
Keep a Listening Heart
It’s also tempting to try to talk our children out of their
feelings. When children express their pain, they don’t necessarily need answers
or solutions. Of course we want to help them feel better; but explaining why
the situation isn’t so bad, or will work out, or will resolve itself, is pretty
useless to a hurting child.
Children need a container for their painful feelings. Be
that container. They simply need to be heard, and to know they’re understood.
Allow them to talk about the crisis whenever they want to. Don’t pry it out of
them; but be ready when they are. Reflect back what they’ve said. Express
empathy. “So, you’re feeling scared because Daddy’s gone? That must be hard! I
felt scared like that once, too.” Then listen, in case there’s more.
One of my children was two when his father left. He didn’t
even have words to express how he felt, and I could see he was struggling with
anger. My simple inquiry – “Do you feel like throwing things?” – had a
transforming effect. My son stared at me, clearly astonished that someone else was
grasping what he felt. I didn’t have to say much more; the simple
knowledge that he wasn’t alone with his feelings was a turning point for my son.
Crises can throw parenting into a whole new level of
difficulty; but in Christ we have everything we need to bring our children
safely through. Trust me – I’ve lived it.
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