Three Transforming Truths for Divorced Parents

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory…” – Ephesians 3:20-21

I’ve often felt that the hardest aspect of divorce is seeing the children suffer and being unable to prevent it.

“Daddy, this is wrong,” announces a sweet, sad little voice as Daddy leaves at the end of a fun day. But it’s a divorce court order, and Daddy has no choice.

“If two people made you, they should be with you,” states a small girl grappling with her parents’ divorce. She’s right, and she struggles to reconcile this truth with the reality that her family members live apart.

My own children slept restlessly after their father left. I remember hearing my two-year-old son’s lonely voice in the wee hours: “Where Dadda go?” Enough is enough! I thought. How much pain does this stupid divorce have to cause my innocent kids? I read chilling statistics about children of divorce, and I worried constantly.

Then I met Marsha. Marsha co-led a single parents’ group at church. The first thing she told us was that divorce did not mean we couldn’t raise great, healthy kids. And she had the hard evidence. As young adults, her kids were well-adjusted, well-liked, intelligent and godly. To me, they were a beacon of hope.

Divorced parents’ circumstances vary greatly. Some have the support of extended family, others do not. Some have excellent health and some struggle with debilitating illnesses. Some have a belligerent ex-spouse, while others find co-parenting a breeze. Most single parents must work, and some are able to stay home. Every situation is different; but there are a few truths that can help any divorced parent raise healthy, well-adjusted children.

Faithful Parents Influence Their Children
A parent whose heart belongs to Jesus is a gift no one can take from a child. Parents who take their faith seriously (and themselves not so much!) have a profound influence on their kids. Living “a life of love” (Ephesians 5:2), they become a source of stability for their children. Even parents who must be absent from the home change the whole picture simply by being connected with God. Their faith marks a line in the sand, showing the children that our loving God is on the scene and providing a refuge from the confusion and turmoil of divorce. What a comfort! Parents who can’t even visit their children still have a strong hope: They can pray, and their prayers change their children’s reality. “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)

Prayer Is Powerful
Regardless of the situation, parents who pray embrace a lifestyle of hope. God may not answer our prayers when or how we want, but he sees the whole picture and he answers our requests for our children’s highest good. God works in parents who pray. He works in those they pray for, and in the circumstances. He gives praying parents the insights and words to answer their children’s hard questions. He provides supportive friends and resources for children to process divorce. He can move ex-spouses toward friendliness and cooperation. It’s a beautiful thing to see God answer prayer and help children adjust to divorce. Settle in for the long haul, and persevere in prayer.

God Will Make a Way
Some situations go from bad, to worse, to worst. When everything is falling apart it can be difficult to believe that God is present and answering prayer. However, his sovereignty allows him to see far more than we can. Remember that this brief life is a training ground for eternity.

We may not understand why things happen the way they do, but we can continue to pray, believing that God loves us, he knows what’s going on, and he will bring us through. Don’t turn away from God when you and your children need him the most. Like Job of Old Testament fame, parents who hold on to Jesus through crises emerge with a deep and intimate knowledge of God. They are able to testify that God is both loving and sovereign, and they undergo a transformation that points undeniably to his faithfulness and character. Setting this example, they open a door to the same transformation in their children!

Divorce is hard on children, but God’s faithfulness gives divorced parents every reason to hope for their children’s adjustment and well-being. Continue to pray, and watch your children become all they were meant to be!

The Single Mom's Guide to a Great Sunday Morning

As a single mom, I have on very rare occasions felt just a teensy bit like a fifth wheel in the church. Like an outsider, even. Not that we single moms notice this type of thing much. Or that it bothers us.

OK, I admit it: For years I felt that way every Sunday. And it was hard!

Face it with me, single moms: Showing up on Sunday morning sans spouse, with kids in tow, feels quite awkward. Inevitably, some people jump to unflattering conclusions. Others offer tentative friendship, but we sense a massive side of condescension. Those who are both nonjudgmental and friendly are in such high demand that a single parent can rarely get close to them. By God’s grace, however, it is possible to thrive, grow, and find wonderful friends in the local church. Six components of a trusting attitude make all the difference.

Reach Out

It helps to understand that the reality is much different from the perspective. I believe that most folks in the church are quite ready to befriend the single parent, but are either too busy, don’t know how, or don’t realize their friendship is needed. Complicating this are the common issues that plague single parents, such as our own overloaded schedules and our hesitation to reach out for fear of being judged or rejected.

For a long time, I mistakenly felt that divorce had placed me in a wasteland, apart from other believers. The truth is that a wide range of life problems could serve as differentiators if we chose to see them that way. Furthermore, rather than isolating us from our Christian family our trials can actually connect us with others through the common bond of suffering. Without a doubt, many people in the pews around us are familiar with problems of the same magnitude as those we face. The strength of their encouragement can change our entire outlook. One woman put it this way: “When you feel loved, you can face anything.” If you feel alone in a crowd, tell someone you feel alone in a crowd.

Acceptance

Acceptance is another key component to the attitude that carries us through. Our life is what it is. While the ideal Christian community is supportive and healing, and while we can misconstrue people’s reactions to us, the truth is that people will fail us at times. We will be misunderstood and judged; and if we were previously married, we might feel the sting of not being included as we once were. For a time, this may be our reality. Release it to the all-knowing God who loves you; and live your life. “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

Be Proactive

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation, though. Instead of focusing on the problems, focus on solutions. Learn ways to help your kids through this season. Join a small group – you might find your new best friend! Find out what resources are available for your needs, and don’t be too proud to accept help. Most of all, ask God to lead you each day, and take whatever steps seem appropriate. He knows the way through your wilderness and you can trust Him to guide you.

Renounce Self-Pity

It’s tempting to yield to the destructive pull of self-pity. Self pity is a debilitating soul disease because it turns a woman inward, undermining her trust and blinding her to the friendships God wants to provide. Counter it with thanksgiving; there’s always someone worse off than you! You may not have the time or resources to give to anyone else, and that’s fine – but steer clear of an attitude that demands or even suggests people should feel sorry for you. Don’t tolerate it in your kids, either. It’s fine to express your pain in counseling or to a trusted friend, and no one expects a hurting person to paste on a smile. But watch out for self-pity!

No Stewing

If we yield to bitter rage because of the very real injustices that affront single moms and our children, we step into another trap. Don’t get me wrong – anger is a normal response to injustice and again, that counselor or trusted friend is there for a reason. But anger that festers and grows  will put down a deep root of bitterness that can sabotage our friendships. Don’t dwell on the offenses; instead, think about what’s working in your life. Ask God for the grace to forgive. Trust God to help you work through the issues that keep you hooked to the offender’s dysfunction. This will position you to give and receive friendship.

How Can I Help You?

Gradually we become steady, regaining our confidence. Even if turbulence continues to pound our life long after the initial events, we learn to catch our balance and function anyway. We review the past and note with awe what God has done. It’s time to encourage someone else. God has a purpose for us at church. Christianity is intrinsically other-centered. The more we can turn our focus outward – to our children first, and then to others around us – the healthier our attitude will be.

Church attendance gives single moms the opportunity for wonderful growth and friendships. It may seem daunting at first, but God wants us to find our place in his family. A trusting attitude makes all the difference.

From the Threshold of Heaven

Tomorrow is promised to no one. Do you have the peace and assurance of Heaven when you think about dying? I found this video posted on Facebook. This dear saint wanted to point the world to Jesus in his final hours. It really is beautiful, and quite a serious message. I hope you know how much God loves you and longs to spend eternity with you. Don't let anything stop you from finding peace with God.
This is probably a temporary post, as I don't know how long God Vine makes their videos available. Catch it while you can!
Watch the video here.

Hot Fire, Pure Gold

Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. – 1 Peter 1:7

For a while, one of my favorite songs was Hot Fire, Pure Gold, by Cynthia Clawson. Cupellation is the intensely fiery process by which noble metals are separated from base metals. Refiners purified gold this way in ancient times, hence Peter’s reference to its testing by fire.  And perhaps you know where I’m going with this!

At this moment, I know of five young adults who have lost both parents within the last year. I know people who have cancer. Some people have lost jobs, homes, and loved ones through either broken relationships or death. Others face debilitating illnesses or constant rejection. And here in America, we have it pretty good! We don’t face famine or endless civil war, and most of us have at least two changes of clothing and enough change for a bus ride, making us relatively wealthy. Yet even we experience pain. The reality of suffering hasn’t changed since the writer of Hebrews 11 listed the trials and persecutions experienced by early Christians.

“Pain is inevitable. Growth is optional,” states the bumper sticker. Suffering is unavoidable, but we have a choice about how we engage with it. The wonderful thing about surrendering to God is we go through our trials with Jesus. We are not alone. “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you…. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,” promises Isaiah 43:1-2. And because God is sovereign, he can use our trials to refine our faith. Somehow, he is able to turn the events that devastate us into the means of our growth, using them to set us free and create the character of Jesus within us. So we experience it: Hot fire. Pure gold.

Hebrews 12:7-13 encourages believers to trust God when we go through the sorrow of trials, because they are his way of disciplining us. This does not imply that he is punishing us – a common misconception. On the contrary, God is the perfect father who “disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.” 

(Hebrews 12:10) The Greek word for discipline refers to training, or cultivating the soul with the goal of increasing virtue. It suggests the raising of healthy, confident children, encompassing their whole training and education. If we allow God to train us as he walks us through our trials, we emerge confident and secure – and amazed at his ability to use even the greatest losses for our good. If you’re going through a trial today, hold on to Jesus.

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. – Deuteronomy 33:27