Four Imperatives When Your Spouse Walks Out

Here’s a post I wrote to encourage parents going through separation or divorce. Please feel free to share it with anyone you know in this situation.

“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (1 Peter 4:19)

I remember the day my daughter learned to sit by herself. Five months old, she sat on the floor at a friend’s house and chewed a teething ring. Her brown eyes shone gleefully at her new independence. Sitting up, she had a whole new perspective!

I should have been delighted, but I couldn’t even smile. We were at the friend’s house because I did not want my children to see their dad packing his things. While Emily innocently expanded her world and her two- and four-year-old brothers played, their dad was leaving our family. 

That was eleven years ago. Emily has grown into a lovely preteen with penchants for horses and theater, and her brothers are pursuing their own interests with passion. Apart from the great advise I heard from friends and various readings, things might not have turned out so well. I’d like to offer four recommendations for parents experiencing the desertion of a partner.

Get to Know God

If you’ve never understood the Bible’s redemptive message, I can’t think of a better time to consider it. Don’t think you’re strong enough to handle this trauma by yourself. We were designed for relationship with God. He wants to partner with you, helping you lead those children you love onto solid ground. His love and grace and the wise counsel of Scripture have marked many turning points in my journey as a divorced parent. To begin a relationship with God, check out my “Jesus and You” page. And be sure to find an accepting church where you can grow in your faith.

If you already have a relationship with God through faith in Christ, now’s the time to deepen and grow that bond. True, you may not feel especially excited about your faith right now! When pilots fly through a storm, sometimes they can’t see anything but clouds. They must rely on their instruments to guide them through. Our instruments are prayer, Bible study, and fellowship with other believers. Continue to practice these, even if you just aren’t feeling it. Sink your spiritual roots into God’s sovereignty and love.

Traumatic life experiences can make or break our faith. I think the difference between people who abandon their faith and those who grow deeper is the willingness to let God be God. That’s surrender. If we base our faith on anything but God’s sovereign love proved at the cross, we are likely to turn away when we encounter trials.

Don’t be afraid to have a very real discussion with God. It’s normal to wonder if He has let us down. A trusting heart talks this over with Him. That’s a real relationship. I think God would rather hear our rants and questions than a bitter silence and turning away. When we hang in there with God, our trials set us free. Persevere in your faith. Someday, you’ll see that God was both loving and sovereign. I guarantee it.

Join a Support Group

Separation and divorce are extremely traumatic and should not be lightly treated. To be there for your children, you need the healing of a dedicated support group specifically designed for your situation. DivorceCare is a well-established program that’s offered in churches throughout the United States and Canada, and in several other countries. There’s also a DivorceCare program for kids. You’ll hear expert advice on surviving divorce, and you can share your struggles with friends in a confidential setting. Great medicine!

Be an Amicable Ex

Keep your relationship with your ex-spouse as amicable as possible. I remember a small group leader telling me, “This can be a big, endless drama or it can be business-like and reasonably friendly. It’s up to you.” Without becoming a doormat, do everything you can to show your ex that you are willing to be fair and reasonable. Show this person you want to work together to arrive at a stable, happy agreement for the kids.

Divorcing parents can have extremely inaccurate perceptions of each other’s actions, and open hostility is often just a word away. Instead, be polite. Help this person understand you are not posturing as an enemy. Listen to your ex, even if you disagree, and repeat back what he says to show you heard. You may strongly disapprove of his or her actions, but you cannot change anyone but yourself. So take the high road, and do your part to keep things easy on the kids.

Provide Stability for the Children

Divorce is hard on parents, but it rocks a child’s entire world. Security is a child’s primary need, so we can see the potential for devastation when a parent goes AWOL. Keep things as stable as you can for the children. Keep in place whatever family routines you have established. If you watch movies on Friday nights, by all means continue the habit. Continue visiting with friends after church. Don’t forget to walk the dog and do the dishes. Keep discipline consistent; now more than ever your kids need healthy boundaries.

Don’t make any drastic changes if you can help it. It’s tempting to try to outrun our problems. For example, some divorcing parents want to relocate – fast, and far! They think a fresh start will fix everything. Not so! The children are going through too much change already with a newly absent parent. Adding unnecessary changes will shake them even more and may produce behavior problems or psychological harm. That said, you can trust God to help your children cope with the changes you can’t avoid. Stay close to Him day by day.

With time and wise decisions, you can successfully navigate your children through divorce. Initially, separation is traumatic, but life will eventually stabilize. Someday you’ll look back in awe at God’s ability to bring good out of your trial. Until then, keep your eyes on Jesus, who will never fail you.

Connecting with Our Kids

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange… open wide your hearts also. – 2 Corinthians 6:11-13

Are you connected with your kids? Connection happens when I know you’re there, you know I’m here, and we’re both aware of it. I’m aware that you know I’m here. And I know that you know I’m aware of it. And you know that I know you’re aware I’m here. That’s connection. (Disclaimer: I wrote that before my first cup of tea!)

Now, assuming you were able to follow my winding, amateur definition, connection may seem pretty basic, especially to an extrovert. But as simple as it sounds, some of us are actually pretty lousy at it. I certainly am. I wasn’t very connected with as a child, and I’m an introvert. It’s just easier for me to default into an isolated state.

Connection can be further undermined by major worries, which distract us from our kids. It takes trust to turn away from the demanding concerns of adulthood, and enter our children’s ingenuous world. I believe God wants to carry our burdens so we are emotionally free to connect with our children.

With kids, disconnection is disastrous. They need to connect with their parents, the first people with whom they form relationships. It’s firstly the mom’s onus to provide this sense of connection. However, as I remind myself often, we don’t need to be discouraged if we’ve fallen short. Connection is just a prayer and a habit away.

Prayer is a way we can surrender our inadequacies to God and receive His help. When my children were very young, connection was a huge struggle for me. I wasn’t one of those women who always dreamed of having kids. Mothering was by far the most sacrificial undertaking I’d ever tried, and at times everything in me wanted only to be alone. But kids need their moms. And I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I failed my children here.

In prayer, I learned to fight against my inclination to shut down. I gained victory when I surrendered to the Holy Spirit’s power and decided to connect whether I felt like it or not. This process invariably yielded wonderful blessing. There’s nothing more satisfying than giving our children what they need, and I’m so thankful for God’s enabling in this area! However, I failed many times to accept His help, choosing instead to go through the motions of parenting in a disconnected way. I needed to make connection a habit.

I’m really amazed by what scientists have discovered about the brain. When we learn a new habit, our neuron firing patterns change. Those patterns change back if we unlearn the habit. They easily change back again if we pick the habit back up. So, even if we fall off the wagon, getting back on is easier if we’ve been there before. That’s great evidence of God’s continuing grace!

It takes 21 to 28 days to establish a habit, and up to 66 days to make it really stick. Somehow, my huge struggle to connect became easier over the years. I think it’s because connection became a habit. I love how God hardwired the ability to heal right into us!

Here’s the link to the article I read about habits: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2010/05/how-long-does-it-take-an-action-to-become-a-habit-21-28-or-66-days/

Has connection been automatic for you, or a struggle?