Ultimate Provision

The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless (Psalm 146:9 ESV).

Heard a good sermon lately? I’m loving Pastor John MacArthur’s series on 1 Timothy 5! MacArthur explains God’s special care for widows. To access this wonderful series, click here.

I used to assume 1 Timothy 5 didn’t refer to me, because I’m a divorcee, not a “widow” as we understand the term today. But the Greek word simply means a woman who is bereft, abandoned, left alone. It includes single moms who never married. It includes women whose husbands died, or walked out, or are in prison. It includes women whose extended families failed them, after the loss of their husband. God is not interested in how we got here. He just wants to care for us and our children.

Obviously, in today’s world many women are free to pursue a career, and can earn enough to support a family. However, I’ve yet to meet a single mom who would argue that raising kids alone is very difficult, even with a great career. Balancing career and our children’s needs is hard enough when we have a partner. When we lose that, the job can become overwhelming, and often the children suffer most.

The Bible plainly instructs the church to care for widows and orphans who are in dire straits. If we find ourselves unable to make ends meet, trying to handle an impossibly demanding schedule, or too tired to invest in our kids, and if we don’t have an extended family we can count on, a good church will be able to offer various venues of support. We needn’t be shy about asking. Our case is important to God.

I was especially comforted to understand that if even the church failed me, God has my back. I've known many single moms who are living examples of God's care and provision. Our provision ultimately comes from God, whether it’s through a career, an ex-spouse, an extended family, or any other means. And if all these fall through, we can seek God’s help and he will answer. Perhaps not in the way we imagined, but he will not fail us. If we find ourselves in need, we can confidently look up, in faith. God sees, and he cares.

How has God met your needs?

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Book Review: Single Moms Raising Sons by Dana Chisholm

Part of writing a book, I’ve learned, is reading books that are similar to yours. So, I’ve been reading some books for single moms. I just finished Single Moms Raising Sons, written by the single mom of two sons. It’s quite uplifting, and a wonderful resource.

The strength of this book is the positive, hopeful message behind its practical advice. Dana challenges the gloomy statistics about boys raised by single moms. Her weapon of choice is an affirming Biblical promise: I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). She’s already won this battle, and she invites single moms to learn how they can do the same.

Based on her hopeful premise, Dana explores various challenges unique to single mothers of sons, beginning with a boy’s need for a father. She dares to believe that this need can be met by God himself, and backs up her point with true anecdotes from her own life and the lives of her friends. This chapter offers great encouragement for the single mom who is just beginning her journey. Over time, I’ve seen God meet the Father need for my sons. I’m sure this book would have mitigated a lot of my worries at that early stage.

Dana explores other critical areas in the succeeding eight chapters. She discusses biblical training of boys, handling a son’s feelings of abandonment, and the powerful impact moms make on their sons through modeling a surrendered, believing attitude. “If you believe the Author of Fatherhood is real, your sons will believe He is real,” she tells us. “… They will have confidence that He is real and they will live it” (page 178). She’s right, and she has the evidence to back it up.

The book ends with a chapter addressed to people who know single moms raising sons, encouraging them to reach out, and emphasizing the Biblical mandate of churches to help them.

Dana's book affirms that single moms can raise great sons. It’s a must-have if you’re starting out on the journey to raise sons alone, and a great source of advice if you’re further along. My only caveat is that I found it a little hard to follow in places. I assume that’s because either the author was writing tired, or I was reading tired, or both. If you’re a single mom, you understand! Click here to order, and if you know someone who could benefit from this review, please share using the buttons below.

The Investment That Pays

Heart-felt thanks to those who paid the ultimate price for our freedom, and prayers for their families. Have a blessed Memorial Day, and let’s remember what it’s all about.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord, your labor is not in vain.—1 Corinthians 15:58

On Thursday, I had my routine mammogram. Following the exam, the doctor called with some upsetting news:

“You have some micro-calcification and we want another look. Your breasts are too dense for us to see it properly, which is another risk factor, by the way.”

It was a surreal experience to observe the typical emotions such an announcement triggers. My heart began pounding. I felt afraid, and unable to wrap my mind around the news. But I’ve also learned to expect trials, and another part of me chimed in, cynically: Yep, girls, I thought you might try this.

The doctor explained that I have flecks (not a problem) and stars (could be a problem), and that I also have “clusters” and some “branching.” I gathered my courage and asked what are the chances it is cancerous?

“Less than 10 percent.”

Why she didn’t begin the conversation with that information, I’ll never know.

For the next two weeks, I’ll be fumbling the trust-God-and-wait two-step—one of the harder dances of faith. I’m hanging onto the 90 percent chance the problem is nothing, and drinking lots of green smoothies, for good measure.

Facing uncertainties like this whittles down one’s perspective. For a moment, I considered the worst case scenario. What if it’s cancer, and it’s worse than they realized, and it’s not treatable, and I die? (Don’t go down that path, please! It wasn’t fun.) The idea brought three things into focus:

First, I couldn’t stand the thought of not being there for my kids, and all that implies for a single mom family.

Second, I would not get to write my books. I’ve intended to write books since the first time I saw one. All I’ve ever wanted to do is write. I’ve spent several decades incubating books, and now that they’re getting ready to hatch, it might be too late.

Third, I really don’t care about my books. My dream of being an author is a distant second to God’s call on my life as a mom. And, although I’ve often struggled with mommy-guilt, I realized that God is greater than my many failures and mistakes along the way. Somehow, he took my clumsy efforts and prayers, and made them enough. If something intercepts my late-life writing dream, I’ll have no regrets.

Has bad news changed your perspective? Tell me about it! Please share this post by clicking the Facebook icon, if you think it would help someone.

Book Review: The Heart Stone by Sherry Kyle

While traveling with my kids, I read The Heart Stone, by Sherry Kyle. If you’re looking for an uplifting exploration of the fears surrounding your ex, without excessive weightiness, this book’s for you.

The Heart Stone resonated with me on several levels. First, Sherry writes about the area where I live, which was entertaining because I recognized the parks, beaches, restaurants, and streets. I know Sherry because we both blog for our church, so it was fun to discover her fiction writing style. Also, two of her main characters are Jessica, a single mom, and her uncle, George. I happen to be getting to know a wonderful, 

godly man named George whose niece is named Jessica. How cool is that?!

On a deeper level, I related to Jessica’s struggles with fear and anger towards her son’s father. While I'm thankful that my ex has remained responsible and involved with the kids throughout their childhood, fear of “what if’s” is a familiar theme. Sherry’s story showed me that fear can color our perspective in unhelpful ways, creating unnecessary distance and pain. Communication and grace are essential guides through the landscape of parenting with an ex.

You can get your copy in the Fiction section of the Susanna’s Apron bookstore. Click here to order, and enjoy!

When a Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant

The last thing I want to do is condemn someone who has had an abortion. In some situations, abortion seems like the only option. The pressures of a crisis pregnancy are tremendous, and many women feel that they have no choice. I also deeply empathize with men who have lost children to abortion, with absolutely no legal recourse. If you’re haunted by a past abortion, please know that you are deeply loved. You could be suffering from post abortion stress syndrome (PASS). Google your local Pregnancy Resource Center for help.

If you believe abortion is just a harmless surgery, I pray this post gently opens your mind to the truth. Truth is nothing to fear. It sets us free.

Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. Proverbs 24:11

Recently, I heard that a Christian ministry recommended holding a pregnant daughter’s hand during an abortion, if she wants the support. I understand the intent. They want to encourage people to avoid legalism, and demonstrate Christ’s unconditional love. I share these values. However, I question how supporting someone this way shows unconditional love.

I would never agree to join my child on a shooting spree if he or she felt afraid and wanted my support. I believe abortion is the killing of an innocent human being. Supporting someone does not mean supporting a choice that would take someone else’s life and ruin hers.

The ministry's statement prompted me to consider what I’d do should this happen in my family. God forbid that my daughter ever finds herself in a crisis pregnancy. I doubt she would. I live in the real world, however. One hopes for the best and prepares for the worst.

First, I would assure my daughter that I loved her. I would find out what issues led to her situation and help her work through them. I would make sure she knew that God’s love and grace applied to her. If the pregnancy resulted from rape, I would make sure she knew she was not guilty. I would try to bring the perpetrator to justice.

I would do everything I could to support my daughter through her pregnancy, including buying things she couldn’t afford, helping her plan her future as needed, and working with an adoption agency should she decide to place her child with another family. I would pray with her daily, get her any counseling she wanted, and throw her a baby shower. I would be her biggest cheerleader and supporter, no matter what it took.

I feel certain my daughter would never consider an abortion. She knows she can talk to me about anything, and she recognizes the right of unborn children to live. Hypothetically, if she did tell me she wanted one, I would take three steps:

I would assure her I loved her, and offer any support to help her carry her child to term.

I would ask my friends to pray.

Because I love her, I would do everything in my power to prevent her from going through with an abortion. I believe abortion is far more harmful to women than bringing an unplanned child to term. Abortion would burden my daughter with the life-long knowledge that she sacrificed an innocent human life. No interrupted life plan could be worse.

I wouldn’t pay for it. I would not drive her to a clinic. I would talk to her, show her the grim reality of abortion, find women who have recovered from abortion to discuss it with her. I might join her at a clinic, but only to create whatever disturbance was necessary to prevent the abortion. (I would never try to hurt anyone in an abortion clinic.) If necessary, I would stand between her and the abortionist’s instruments.

I don’t care what’s politically correct.

I don’t care what anyone says or thinks.

We’re talking about my daughter and my grandchild.

If somehow my daughter remained convinced that abortion was her only option, and if she got past my love-built obstacles, I would be waiting for her with open arms. I would do anything I could to help her heal and repair her broken life.

What would you do?

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Racing Injustice

“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Hebrews 12:1-2

When my children were small, we began our homeschool day with a pledge to the flag. I recall my four year old son’s sweet, serious voice: “… with liberty and justice for all…”

The irony saddened and angered me. No-fault divorce precluded justice for my children. Divorce introduced emotional pain, disrupted their sleep, distracted me from their needs, lowered their standard of living, robbed them of security, deprived them of a father’s presence, compromised their safety, and brought on a million other injustices. Divorce will impact their adult years, too, complicating major life events and perhaps requiring expensive counseling.

My younger son did not sleep well for several years after his father left. Late one night, he found lasting relief in the Scripture: “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8 NIV). It was one of many turning points, a step on the path to secure faith.

Gradually, I understood that divorce injustices were not something to push away. They were something to embrace. They were part of the single mom package, requiring my attention alongside frustrations and joys, stresses and depths of consolation. To stew over them was to miss the point. Instead, I learned to pray, analyze, and search for remedies.

As holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom famously said, “there is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” Injustice is a catalyst for growth, confronting us with our inability to forgive, our need for wisdom and courage, and our total dependence on God. It’s an open door to intimacy with Christ. It is a bitter pill, but not beyond God’s redemptive power. Indeed, I’m awed by God’s ability to weave beauty out of the worst life throws at us. Injustice has taught my children and me some deep lessons of faith.

Injustice is part of “the race set before us.” Allowing God to use it in our children’s and our lives, we find victory. God has the final word.

The Broken Home Repaired

When divorce broke my home, God poured his love into every fracture.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV)

The term “broken home” is out of vogue. It’s insulting—I get that. Many divorced moms have felt its sting of judgment. For the record, it is completely possible to raise well-adjusted kids in a single parent home—even if some people consider that a broken home.

But in a non-condemning sense, “broken” does describe the divorced home. “Broken” implies that something no longer works. The Bible teaches that a family is a husband, a wife, and their children.* Generally, the arrangement works, with each parent playing key roles in a child’s development. By that definition an unwanted divorce broke my home.

My home certainly felt broken by divorce. No matter how I scrambled to make up for my ex’s absence, I couldn’t fill the dad void. Divorce also robbed my children of the security they needed to focus on the consuming job of growing up. It introduced anxiety to their carefree world. I watched their art projects and schoolwork become careless as they struggled to learn while managing a new, heartbreaking distractedness. Divorce breaks a home the same way amputation breaks a body. Something important goes missing, and compensations must be found. Life will never be the same.

But divorce was also our ticket to maturity. In a world rife with trouble, brokenness is prerequisite to mature faith. God uses brokenness of any ilk to do his deepest work. It’s part of the program down here.

Divorce hurled me off the high walls of prideful respectability, landing me in the company of the broken, with Christ. It taught me that insults are God’s invitation to a private garden of compassion, and pain is the door to growth. It led my children and me deeper into God’s presence. When divorce broke my home, God poured his love into every fracture.

Divorce shattered some things I was better off without:

• Pride in the image of a perfect family: Broken
• Pride-based ambitions for my kids: Broken
• Unhealthy dependence on my ex: Broken
• Peace at all costs: Broken
• Neglect of my relationship with God: Broken
• Legalistic approach to family: Broken
• Judgmental attitude towards people with imperfect lives: Broken
• Lack of compassion for the hurting: Broken

Is it any wonder I praise God for brokenness?!

My children may not have experienced God's faithfulness as deeply as they have, apart from divorce. God used it to teach us dependence on him. As we surrendered our painful situation to God, we discovered that his strength is made perfect in our weakness. Our home was broken, and I’m thankful. God repaired it far beyond my abilities.

Jesus blew everything apart, and when I saw where the pieces landed, I knew I was free.—George Foster

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* If you’d like to learn more about the Biblical definition of family, please click here.